How Spiritual People Should Associate with Others

May the blessings of the Triple Gem be with you all!

Welcome. As you deepen your spiritual life, you will encounter many different kinds of people. Today, we wish to reflect on how to skillfully associate with those who enter your life. In this exploration, you will learn much about how to protect yourself, how to choose your associations, and how to interact with others wisely. There are many facets to this.

Once you begin to cultivate your spiritual life, whether through practices of calm, known as Samatha, or insight, known as Vipassanā, you will find, as we’ve mentioned, that various people are drawn to you. This is true whether you are a man or a woman. In the initial stages of your spiritual journey, the people who approach you often come as obstacles.

The First Trap: Romantic Attachments Disguised as Spirituality

We have spoken about this before. Often, if you are a woman on the path, a spiritual man may approach you. If you are a man, a spiritual woman may draw near. They approach with the intention of learning from you or sharing their own spiritual insights. Initially, you might think, ‘Ah, here is another spiritual person, just like me,’ and you may begin a pleasant friendship. This association can deepen over time, leading to frequent conversations and sharing of spiritual experiences.

However, after a while, both may forget that they are spiritual individuals on a path of renunciation. These two people might be married to others, or they might be single. Regardless, a romantic bond can begin to form. If they are already married, this can develop into an extramarital affair. They might even start telling each other, ‘We must have been together in a past life, perhaps we were married.’ This narrative becomes a common justification.

It is possible that some people were connected in past lives. But in this life, coming together may not be possible or skillful. There are reasons for this. You have present-moment responsibilities, a lawful spouse, children. You cannot simply let your marriage fail. In such situations, it is essential to act with wisdom and intelligence.

Māra’s Trap: When Spiritual Connection Becomes a Hindrance

If you are single, the situation might seem less complicated, but there is still a significant problem. You began this journey to develop your spiritual life. But now, after this person has entered your life, you find that the hours you once dedicated to meditation have dwindled. Perhaps you have stopped meditating altogether. At this point, you must ask yourself: did the person who approached me, claiming to be spiritual, truly bring me authentic spirituality? Is this the right kind of spiritual relationship if it has caused my practice to break?

Reflecting on this will bring you clarity. The force Buddhists call Māra, the personification of temptation and hindrance, often works in this way. Māra’s army or daughters will not always approach you directly. When you are developing spiritually, you might be wary of direct advances, perhaps due to past life experiences. So, the approach comes indirectly. It may come disguised as a noble friendship, or as someone offering to help with an illness, or as a teacher wanting to guide your meditation. Māra deceives you to get close.

If you are not mindful and fully aware, practicing what we call sati–sampajañña, or clear comprehension, in that moment, you are very likely to be caught in Māra’s trap. Once caught, if you do not act with wisdom, you can be led to ruin. We have heard countless stories of such incidents from those we guide.

Wisdom in Relationships: Protecting Your Commitments

These experiences are very real. Therefore, remember this warning. We have previously given teachings about the obstacles that arise from material offerings and from practice itself. This teaching, however, focuses specifically on the challenges that arise through other people as you develop spiritually.

In some cases, the arrival of such a ‘spiritual’ person has led to the complete breakdown of families. You must act with great wisdom. If you are married in this human world and find an illicit attachment forming that threatens your existing bonds, you must stop it immediately. Do not try to follow it further. If you sense such a thing beginning, interact with that person with mindful moderation. Just as you eat only a moderate amount of food, learn to associate with them only to the necessary degree. If you don’t, it will undoubtedly become a problem.

It doesn’t matter who this person was in your past samsaric journey. If you have legal responsibilities and commitments in this life, do not let them get close in that way. It can lead to your destruction. You don’t know if this is a genuine soulmate or someone wearing the mask of Māra. Often, the other person, the man or woman who approached you, doesn’t even know they are caught in Māra’s snare. They are deceived as well. So, it could be a true past connection, or it could be one of Māra’s agents. Be careful not to fall into that trap.

Recognizing the Signs of Spiritual Decline

If you are the one approaching another spiritual person, be mindful not to cause them harm. Associate with moderation. If your spiritual life begins to be destroyed, if your spiritual progress declines, for instance, if you used to meditate for two or three hours in the morning and evening, but that time has diminished because of this new relationship, then you must recognize that your spiritual decline has begun. The time you spent in meditation is replaced by time with them, on the phone or in person. Gradually, lustful thoughts increase, and your practice deteriorates, potentially leading to sexual engagement. A great deal of your time is wasted.

We have seen this happen to many, especially young people who have told us their stories. They get into a relationship and find their spiritual progress destroyed, leading to a significant downfall. Your concentration (samādhi) begins to weaken, and even meditative absorptions (jhāna) can be lost. This is a crucial point to understand.

The Second Trap: Deception in the Guise of Cultural Piety

The trap isn’t only about romantic or lustful connections. Sometimes, when one spiritual person meets another who seems to understand them, it can feel like a great source of strength. ‘Ah, this person is one of us! They know our history, our heritage.’ This is another form of deception. The person who appears might have grown their hair and beard long, tying their hair in a knot, looking like a great ancient ‘Kala Sinhala’ or ‘Hela’, a term for our ancient native people. Many are impressed and think, ‘Oh, a true son of our heritage!’ and form a connection.

But after some time, what does this person in the guise of a ‘Hela’ do? They might deceive you, trap you in fraudulent schemes, take your money, or damage your property. They might even get close to you only to form a relationship with your husband or wife. We have seen many such things happen.

Therefore, be very careful of people who come proclaiming ‘I am spiritual’ or ‘I am a true Hela.’ You can be cautious of worldly, deceitful people; you know they are cunning. You don’t need a special warning for them. You can mindfully watch their every word and action. But here, I am telling you to be wary of those who come wrapped in a ‘sil redda’, the white cloth of piety. We do not know what is in their hearts. You cannot judge a person by their external appearance alone.

The Wisdom of Patience and Seeing the Lesson in the Fall

The Buddha taught that you must associate with someone for a very long time to truly understand them, at least five years. Only then can you grasp their true nature. A year or two is not enough. However, in our experience, after about a year or a year and a half, a person’s true nature, their ‘nakedness’, begins to emerge. At that point, we can either reject that character, distance ourselves, or learn to associate with them knowing their true nature.

Remember, these are things we see through a developed spiritual faculty. As we have taught before regarding ‘universal agents,’ you should think, ‘Everything happens for the best.’ This is also for the best. The benevolent deities, those with right view, or Samyak-dṛṣṭika devas, are not concerned with the mental pain or hurt feelings you experience in this life.

Their goal is to ensure your spiritual progress. Even the great Bodhisatta, on his path to Buddhahood, faced countless such situations. When they fell, the great Bodhisattas learned their lesson and got back up. They rise again having learned how to never be knocked down by anyone again. Remember that.

Discerning False Gurus and Fleeting Connections

So, I have spoken first of the trap of romantic relationships that cause spiritual decline. Secondly, I mentioned the grand associations that appear like connections from our deep past. No matter how they appear, there is a right way to associate with them. Women, too, might meet another woman and think, ‘Oh, she is like a sister from my heritage, so good and kind.’ We have been told this: ‘Venerable Sir, I instantly felt this person must be my spiritual friend from a past life.’

But in our experience, these instant connections that ‘click’ right away usually only last two or three months. They break apart suddenly, like a soda bottle fizzing out. Relationships that fit together instantly often don’t last. This is true in worldly life, but I am emphasizing it for the spiritual life, because your progress is destroyed and your time is wasted.

Be wary of those who claim to be ‘universal agents,’ as they can be cunning. You can be caught in their lies and fraud. There are some who appear spiritually advanced, long hair, beard, but lie constantly, weaving fantastic tales. Don’t believe them. They may be authors, TV personalities, or social media figures. Do not trust any of them, whether they claim to come from heavenly realms or Brahma worlds. Do not trust them instantly. You will surely get into trouble.

People from all walks of life, religions, and races may approach you. Even Sinhala Buddhists may come claiming to have great spiritual powers, boasting about their abilities with yantras and mantras. ‘I can do anything!’ they say. Well, if they can do anything, why not fix the country’s difficult situation? They will come with all sorts of grand claims. Do not fall for their boasting and deceit. Don’t believe them. If you do, you are guaranteed to face hardship.

The Hallmarks of True Spiritual Friendship (Kalyāṇa-mittatā)

The right way to associate with such people is without attachment and without aversion. Just as you watch your own mind, watch these people without immediately trusting or distrusting them. Greet them with a smile, listen to their stories, but remain an investigative, discerning observer.

Do not reveal your past, your deepest secrets, or your weaknesses right away. Associate with them for a time. You will come to know them. If they are bad people, no harm will come to you as long as your weaknesses have not been leaked. And if they are good people, there is no problem at all.

Remember, truly advanced spiritual people with whom we have genuine past-life connections do come into our lives. They never harm us. These relationships are strange and wonderful. You can’t call it a friendship in the ordinary sense. There is no clinging, no conflict. They help you when needed and then step away.

There is no obligation to call or check in. They are there when needed, but there is no anger or resentment. These are deeply understanding connections, whether with a man or a woman. Such associations are the true spiritual friendships. But they are rare.

Patience and Observation: The Key to Unmasking Deceit

The other kind of relationship, when it breaks, ends in bitter enmity and resentment. They say things like, ‘I did this for them, and now look who thinks they are so great!’ These are not superior connections.

Through experience, we have learned to distinguish between correct and incorrect spiritual relationships. By observing you, we can tell if the connection you have with an outsider will last. These are things you must learn through your own experience. We share our experiences in these teachings to give you knowledge and understanding.

Remember, you may meet people who claim to be from the time of King Ravana, King Dutugemunu, or King Parakramabahu. They come disguised as patriots who love their country and religion. Be careful, or you will be thoroughly tricked. Some of these individuals are secretly chasing after buried treasure or women. You only discover their true character after associating with them for a long time.

They may be shameless liars and cheats. As I said, do not trust someone just because they have long hair tied up or a long beard. That does not make one a true ‘Hela.’ Outward appearance, whether muscular or not, means nothing. Do not trust instantly. It will only lead to your ruin. You must give it time.

The Lightness of Being: Recognizing Authentic Connection

As you develop spiritually, you are not alone. There are unseen beings, benevolent deities, brahmas, yakkhas, and nāgas, who protect and help you. When Māra sends these people (who often don’t even know they are being used), these unseen allies will help rescue you and guide you back to the right path. Therefore, at the end of every meritorious deed you perform, whether material or through practice, remember to share the merits with these unseen helpers who support you.

A true spiritual friendship, or Kalyāṇa-mittatā, has no strange clinging or attachment, and no particular conflict. Remember this. The connection is very light. It does not become a burden on the mind. There is no need to constantly ask, ‘Did you eat? Did you drink?’ or send ‘Good morning’ messages every day. You call when needed, you meet when needed, and that’s it. You help when necessary. These spiritual relationships feel comfortable and easy. There is no snake-like vengeance, deep-seated hatred, or jealousy within them. There is only a profound lightness.

If you meet a true ‘Hela,’ someone truly connected to the Ravana history, someone from your own past, or a genuinely supportive person, this is how it will feel. These connections are strong and can last for years, whether you see each other or not. It doesn’t matter if you meet after many years; the bond is still strong. Both parties know each other’s character and would never expose or destroy it. Only wholesome relationships are built.

The Path of Equality and Final Blessings

This is the nature of correct spiritual relationships. In contrast, worldly connections are often built on narrow, selfish motives: money, property, some spiritual power, or worldly things like sex and romance. True spiritual relationships are free from such motives. They will never cause you harm or destruction. It can be difficult to discern this, and it comes through your own experience. But now that we have shared this teaching, when you meet people in the future, you can use this guidance to understand whether the connection is genuine.

Finally, remember that a person whose mind is developed does not cling to or have aversion toward anyone. A wealthy person might come to us, a beautiful person, or someone without these things. An educated person or an uneducated one. There is no discrimination based on caste, creed, or religion. A developed mind treats everyone equally and does not try to give special treatment.

The way someone treats different people can also reveal their character. Do they treat you one way, and someone else another? From this, you can understand their nature. When you associate with people, you don’t know what is inside. Your ‘third eye’ may or may not be open. Māra can come through their physical body or take control of their stream of thoughts. Therefore, watch with great mindfulness and intelligence. Then you will be able to understand correctly and develop your spiritual life.

We have shared what is necessary in this teaching. I will not take more of your time. Today’s teaching was on how spiritual people should associate with others, to give you that understanding. With that, we conclude. May you all have the blessings and protection of the Triple Gem, the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha. May their virtues grant you the wisdom to associate with people mindfully. May the blessings of the Triple Gem be with you all!

We invite you to walk this path with us. Read our teachings, and most importantly, apply them practically in your own life. as you practice, questions will naturally arise. Please feel free to share your experiences and questions in the comments below, via email or contact form. I will do my best to offer guidance in future talks based on your progress. For now, begin this practice with an open heart and a mind free from expectation. Cultivate it correctly, and may you find the clarity and peace you seek.

Thank you for joining us. We hope this blog will be of great benefit to your spiritual journey.

May you all be well and happy.
May the blessings of the Triple Gem be with you all!.